Unsatisfied

I was meant to live in a different time. Anytime but this one. I am so completely tired of everything. There are absolutely no words to describe the disappointment I have with myself, school, my family, my friends, and overall my life. "Hatred" is such a harsh word but "unsatisfied" is so minor and "in-between" doesn't cover it. I'm empty. Thats what I am. There is nothing left in me that wants to keep on going. Nothing at all. I'm not saying that I'm planning to attempt suicide or anything because I'm not. Its not my life to take. Inside I have a torment, no matter how overused that phrase is. My soul trembles with anger, fear, sadness, but lately never happiness. It cries and its gentle sobs are so regular they have become a lullaby to me. You cant die of sadness but you can sure suffer from it. It weighs down on your shoulders so heavily your knees start to buckle and soon your on the floor. No one lends you a helping hand because no one seems to see. I see everyone around me enjoy this hell hole we call earth. But I cant seem to adapt to the normal crap and the blandness of each day. Its like eating water crackers. There is no taste. My face gives fake laughs, fake smiles, fake emotions. A facade to keep badgering questions at bay. But what can I do now. It's too late to change anything and this plain life of mine is the only one i'll get. Sadly I have to deal with it and get over it. 

Nothing left to say,

Lili AKA Smurf Burrito

Mac, Stress, Apple, Twilight, & Code Geass

So. . . 

It's January!!! WOOOOOOO!!!

Goodbye 2008 and welcome 2009!

and I GOT A MAC!!!!!!! 

Anyways-

I've been thinking a lot about life lately and its wonders. That sounded so  philosophical and weird but I have. =D I mean I'm half way done with my sophomore year of high school and soon I'll be headed for college. I sound like man going through his midlife crisis. . . I guess I'm a teenage girl going through mid-HS crisis. My family (aka Doris) has been putting too much pressure on me and what I'm going to do with MY future. Emphasis on the MY future!!!! I am currently stuck between 2 career choices- OB/GYN or FORENSIC SCIENTIST. Both incredibly incredible in my opinion but complete opposites, basically bringing life into our disgusting dying earth or investigating murder scenes were our disgusting dying earth has taken away a life. Such a big decision. My sister Martha goes for the dead people but her reasoning is wacko. I mean I don't have a lot of patience with my family but with other people I do. Especially if I'm delivering a child or watching over someone's pregnancy. Its a big responsibility and although I'm not ready now I will be in the future. But she thinks I can't. My mom says dissecting dead people is horrible (some religious crap) and that I should help babies come to this world safely. My dad has no say and my other sisters say whatever makes me happy. THAT HELPS. . . THANX FOR BEING SUCH A GREAT FAMILY!!! JEEZ!!!! So I've just been contemplating both careers and wondering how amazing it would be to bring a life into this world OR how awesome it would be to hunt down a murderer/rapist that killed 10 people by dissecting the victims. Gruesome but absolutely awesome. 

Anyways finals are this week. . . I have been breaking out like crazy. I have a huge zit on my cheek, a bunch in the center of my forehead and eyebrows, and a bunch on my chin. =( I'm not enjoying life at this moment. School has become so blah. I mean it has always been a crappy thing to do especially when you don't have your bestest buddies but lately its been so monotone. 

Thank God for Martin Luther King Day because tomorrow I have homework like crazy and I have to study like crazy. 2 things I hate to do. Wednesday = Algebra 2 Finals, Thursday=Chemistry Finals, Friday=History Test & English Finals. Lets see, right now I have a B- in Algebra. . . (I know *GASP*) I'm so ashamed it' s like having an F stamped on my forehead. In my defense it's really boring and I have gotten A's on all my test. BLAME THE HW. HAHA. So I HAVE to get an A on that final. Chemistry Finals are gonna be a breeze. . . if I re-memorize the polyatomic ions and the acids-hehe. History is always a problem and an obstacle =(. English finals are gonna be OK. She let us see the final last class, hahaha. It was great. So overall I should do Average at worst. But even so I'm scared. 

PERSONAL LIFE:

Eh. Noting new. 

I mean I'm officially over Apple. Why, you ask. Well, when I like someone, I mean really really like them my stomach gets butterflies every time I see that person or my legs feel like jello. When I see my beloved (haha) my mind becomes unfocused and daydreams for the 2 hours of class. When he speaks to me, I respond and my words stumble. When he smiles I take a mental picture and when he laughs I take a mental recording just to replay it back in my head. (Listen to "In My Head" by Anna Nalick) You can say I fall. . . I fall pretty darn hard. I don't call myself obsessed because all these "symptoms" (for lack of a better word) are just temporary like I'm under a spell for the duration of class. Quite sad you know. But with Apple all those feelings slowly got dimmer and dimmer until I no longer cared if he laughed or if he smiled. I no longer stumbled with my words  in my response, I just answered a blasé word to shut him up and go on with my own side conversation. His dazzle affect on me wore off. Another factor would be the fact that I feel he's out of my league but that wasn't the only thing. I have nothing against Mormons or any religion but I think my boyfriend/life partner/husband/whatever should agree with me and I with him about our beliefs. Unfortunately my buddy Apple is from the Church of the Latter-day Saints. =( So oh well and goodbye. 

MISC:

Now that i've basically blabbered on and on about my small, insignificant life I would like to present too awesome discoveries. As my readers should know (em & shea) I love the book TWILIGHT and its sequels, the movie however is OK. (OMGG TAYLOR LAUTNER'S ABS!!!) The movie New Moon is going to start filming soon in Vancouver, CANADA. =( Sad I know, what happened to Forks??? Anyways I came across the two perfect songs for Bella and Edward when they are apart. Remember, I Liliana Alaniz am the first person to name these songs perfect. Not that anyone else will probably know but whatever. 

Bella- Addicted by Kelly Clarkson

Edward- One Of Those Days by Joshua Radin

PERFECT!!!!! I would email Stephenie Meyer if she hadn't taken off her fan email. But seriously who could blame her??? Twilight fans are CRAZY!!! =D

So the second awesome thing I have found is another anime. Well not really me per say, but my friend Ally. It's called Code Geass and its awesome. I've only watched episodes 1-8, but I know the outcome and it's quite depressing. The whole anime is quite bloody, filled with despair yada yada yada but in the end there is this huge lesson to learn about self sacrifice. =D And of course if anime characters could be humans. . .  Lelouch (main character) would be my Apple. =D So gorgeous. (*sigh*/swoon). 

Well thats it!

Peace out!

A bientot!

See ya when I see ya,

Lili AKA Smurf Burrito