Fraud

I swear I'm depressed. Although in public it seems like I'm fine, I don't think I am. I'm hurt, angry and, worst of all, lonely. Usually the last one is nothing but lately its been more present. God, I sound so freaking needy. My classes for my junior year are as follows: French II, AP English, AP History, Physics, MAT (Pre-calculus), and Journalism. Too ambitious? I think so. I'm so tired of only getting an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night especially on tuesdays. Balancing all these things is hard and I'm a lazy person. I'm sure there are people out there with a much more hectic life but I enjoy NOT having a life. I enjoy sleeping and staring at a screen, clearly wasting my life away. I LIKE IT! On top of that, I joined color guard which means my brain has more stuff to memorize, SAT is this year, ACT is this year, college is in 2 years, questions like "what the hell am I going to be?" pop in my head constantly, and my family life is so not peachy. GOD HELP ME! Speaking of God, i've been neglecting my faith and religion. I feel like I'm drowning in freezing water. 

AP History-- yeah, I suck in that class. Nothing ever sticks. We just learned about the revolution, ask me a question about it and i'll be clueless. In AP English I feel like fraud because everyone is so incredibly smart and I can't compare myself to their standards. I feel completely stupid. And journalism is the worst of all-- THERE IS NO STRUCTURE and my editor sucks. How the hell am I supposed to do this. If I cant trust my own writing skills how am I supposed to use them to inform my student body. 

Last Sunday a teenager died down my street. He died on my jogging route because he was in a car with a drunk driver. Now every time I step there I'm going to have images of a crash and a helpless boy dying. Death never affects me this bad but I swear sometimes I just want it to take me. That guy, I'm sure, had a stronger will to live, and not to mention the means to do it. I cant sometimes and at those moments I stare at something for hours and forget everything. Thats my comfort to stare at crap that angers me and stuff my face with unhealthy chocolate. Which is already kicking me in the ass. Is that selfish? To crave something that brought tragedy to someone else's family. Maybe. Now, to not worry anyone I have to say that I'm not suicidal. Just the idea of eternal sleep sounds really appealing but the idea of God hating me and sending me to hell sort of snaps me out of it. Haha, figures. 

I'd like to add more. But I don't really care. Nothing matters but yet it does. Its weird, I don't want it to matter. I don't want it to hurt or stress me out but it does. My dad is stressing me out, my mom is not happy, my friends are non-existent,and all I'm left with is a broken family that can't handle my depressed state on top of everything else and a couple of people that I can't confide in. How am I suppose to tolerate all these feelings inside of me? Is there an answer. 

Life sucks then you die.

Boy do I know that.

Wishing to be comatose, 

--Lili AKA Smurfburrito

Lycans, AX, Verbal Diarrhea, etc.

Anyong -Haseyo!
I just watched RISE OF THE LYCANS. . . . UNDERWORLD of course and it was amazing! I have a knew found respect for the character Lucian and I heart Lycans. =D Anyway I read over my last entry and it almost made me barf. . . talk about obsessed but what can I say it was a dang good drama. Moving on, AX was amazing and I cant wait to go back next year. I was completely lost when it came to the anime which might seem as an obsticle to my enjoyment but wasnt. I mean the costumes some people wore. . . jeeeez. It was fun just looking at them! I went with one of my best buds, Ally, and she met up with her friends Micheal and Peter. Micheal has this super shrilly, high voice which made the whole 2 days even more entertaining. On the first day there which would be Friday, there was an AMV (Anime Music Video) Contest that we waited two hours to go to, and it was worth it. I was completely lost, especially when they played a clip about FINAL FANTASY XIII and the whole crowd (6000 people) went wild when they saw these 2 chicks fight and creatures come out. Micheal and I were going huh? the whole time. At some point one of the chicks fighting, was dying and went into her subconcious mind and there she was at the edge of a cliff. . .the whole place was silent. . . and Micheal, with his super high voice, goes "Dont jump!!!!". All the people around us were yelling "what the hell" and getting extremely pissy. It was EPIC. The whole thing was so much fun and my cousing and I are planning to go next year. WOOO!
On the down side I havent spoken to my best buddies in the whole world in an eternity. I recently found out that Em got in a fight with Andrea which cousing a problem. And ofcourse neither of them has contacted me, so I am at a complete loss with them. Shea is in France still, I think, and I only talked to Katherine once. =( On the BFFs end i'm not doing so peachy.
That all I have time for today so. . .
Adios
Au Revoir
Good-bye
AKA Smurf Burrito

P.S.- These are a couple of animes I was told are good:
-5 Centimeters per Second (movie)
-DNAngels
-Death Note
-Bleach (extremely long. . . I'm not going to attempt.)
. . . many more. . .i'll post next time.

Boys Before Flowers

So Thats Kim Bum!!!! *** SIGH *** =D jeeez i'm super obsessed. . . not good. 
Thats Lee Min-Ho. . . To everyone thats wondering. . . No, I don't know why I like asians I just do! **sigh*** =D!!!

So. . . . One of my best buds told me about this drama in Korea called Boys Before Flowers so i went on www.mysoju.com and started to watch it. . . ITS AMAZING!!!! I absolutely love it. =D Not to mention that I have a thing for asians and this is like asian mania. . .**sigh**. So my too favorite for the group F4 are Gu Jun Pyo (played by Lee Min-ho) and Yi Jung (played by Kim Bum), both their faces make me so happy! =D So the Drama is about a poor girl that gets involved into this rich school because of a heroic act she did. At this school their is a group called F4, which is made out of the 4 most gorgeous and rich guys. . . =D But they are snobby and tag people with a red card if they disobey them. So lets say someone throws ice-cream on Gu  Jun Pyo's face. . . like the main girl (Geum Jan Di) well. .. .  he makes the whole school target you. Evil, right? Jan Di is a girl that stands up for the weak even if she can be considered a weakling also, so she deeply despises F4 and their doings. Thus the ice-cream! Anyways the plot develops and she loves Yi Hoo (played by Kim Hyun-joong, I like him better with dark hair but either way HOT) this other F4 guy that always takes compassion of her, but he doesn't love her back until after, and Jun Pyo starts to like her. . . and its this big old mess. Especially with Jun Pyo's evil hag of a mother making Jan Di's life impossible and miserable. I recommend this drama its heart wrenching, frustrating and amazing. . . which is the point!  

Moving on I'M GOING TO BE A JUNIOR IN ONE DAY!!! YAY. Its been an amazing year, with a lot of ups and downs but overall i've made new beautiful friends and have kept a good relationship with my oldies. I found my love for asians. =D Even though I haven't gotten a bite of a fruit just for me, I'm sure that will come with time.  I just cant help but pick on myself to why guys aren't exactly attracted to me. Its hard. . . society's expectations suck. =( Anywho, I'm excited for summer, I'm making plans to go to AX with my friend Ally, Going to Fishfest with my sister, plans to go to Warped Tour with Shea, making movie with Emelie, learning how to swim with a bunch of peeps and overall relaxing and getting ready for a super hard year as of August! =D its gonna be a blast minus August and beyond. 

Gots to go,

Lili AKA Smurf

PS. WHAT BOYS BEFORE FLOWERS. . . . ITS AMAZING!!!! C'EST MAGNIFIQUE! 

Poems & Weekend

This weekend was amazing but reminds we I love to do nothing. I am pooped and still have to study for a math test before going to bed. Anyways, friday night my sisters went partying and had made me a special cosmo (cranberry juice, lemon juice and vodka) it was FANTASTIC! yuuuummmmy. I mean I have to beware of alcohol because alcoholism runs in my family (I mean look at my dad) but either way it was good. =D What made it even better is that I was catching up on "Mas Sabe El Diablo" which of course the main character is Jencarlos Canela. So I was happy. Saturday I didn't wake up until 11:17 in the morning and then did a 1500 word paper on my change over the year with my Social Justice class. Then I went over to my BFF's house (EMELIE) and had fun with Andrea's ATV. (Yes we drove an ATV only for 2 people with 3 people on top. . . . that does not include my fat ass.) HAHAHA. It was amazing. So we chatted about dogs, pigs, max, cody and Hunger Games. Then her brother called us drunk (Yes we were drunk . . . drunk of LIFE). It was great. =D But then I had to leave. =( On sunday i woke up to Emelie's voice "Guys you breakfast has been on the table for a long time." And ate bread with boysenberry jam. . . it was good. Then i had to go to the Farmers Market of Vulcan. That was boring but I got to sketch a frog and a bodice. Anyways, Courtney and I then went to my house and worked on our SJP powerpoint. and now its 11:33 and I'm trying to do homework while typing this. I still have to right 5 more poems. . . . for english but here are a few. 

Contemporary Brain

A neon sign flickers on,

But years of soil cover areas of the four letters,

Leaving the original word obscure.

The empty city is only full of ragged clouds,

Stained with dirt and sin.

They alone provide the only breath of consciousness.

Life continues on its usual trance

Like a circle continually rotation with no pause.

Noises circulate and are consumed hungrily by the eager master of thought.

Desolate and gray create this color scheme,

Except for the small fragments the neon sign provides.

The pathways are exponentially big,

But their arrangement creates a system of repetition.

Time and distance are useless.

The plain taste of normality governs

And not even salty tears provide change,

For they to have gone bland.

The clouds of thought float aimlessly with no understanding.

The light sputters and dies.

Taking with it the only HOPE we had. 

.

 

The memories are splattered on the walls,

And like spit on hot cement they beckon for attention.

The evolution of character is portrayed in one moment of many times.

The smiles plastered forever with ink on various colored paper is haunting.

Faces within them are strangers although they reflect one like a mirror.

 

Truth tears the seam of illusion,

Familiar mouths scream the lies and tangles.

No rag can cover an eye so keen to the hallucinogen of deception. 

And it is all so real.

 

I race to see my reflection,

My face is contorted,

To be me is no more.

Instead Gregor stares back at me,

Metamorphosized into something unknown and grotesque,

But no one seems to see me change.

Maybe because I never really changed

And my mask has finally shed off.

 

Life cannot thaw and continue.

Progression cannot occur.

Not until the screaming ceases and the knots unravel.

Soon the past will fall and everything known is no more.

 

I start to sweat,

My skin hardens,

And my insides transform and painfully churn

My face warps and the horrendousness seizes.

 

I lay flat on my back,

My arms are blue with no oxygen

And somehow I’m still alive.

But not to them

And not to you.

Everything known is unchanged

I am silenced.

Martyr Environment

 

Her hair was made out of petals,

Each one representing each species in the world.

Her bones were trunks with roots clinging off of them,

The strength of her many years remained untouched

Her skin is a light sprinkle of earth,

That swirls in the wind but replenishes.

Her eyes were the emerald leaves

And water formed her gleaming lips. 

 

With the help of the sun that made her shine and grow,

She was magnificent with every color in her grasp.

He had been her mate before the beginning of time,

But in current times his rays began to burn,

And her lips began to evaporate.

As she lashed her anger against the sun,

Her lips began to freeze.

 

She couldn’t breath

Her lungs fill with VOCs.

Each toxic compound gripped to every stem.

In the beginning humanity cared,

Nurturing and giving but greed filled their hearts.

We whip her like a slave,

Soon she will be forced to render on her knees

 

Time passed and she rapidly withered,

And her eyes fell to the ground.

Blind and desperate she began to waste away.

 

Humanity’s change of heart is temporary,

GOING GREEN is the latest fad,

And just like last fall’s fashion it will pass.

Today its boots, tomorrow hello pumps.

 

She continues to pay for our past

They give her a shock

The pacer slows down.

And a red flat line dooms us all.

Recycled Tradition

 

Man of the house,

Man I look up too,

Man that brings hope,

Brings worry,

Anger,

Sadness.

 

Man of opportunity,

Opportunistic man.

So many adjectives to describe man.

A man.

Singular.

 

Above law or so he thinks,

Above humanity he believes,

But with these beliefs he has sunk

To the bottom of my thought.

 

Love him equally as before,

Respect him equally as before,

Before memory can recall.

 

Freud’s theory I will not allow,

Better dead than I do,

To someone as cold as you.

 

Don’t want to be her,

Even if I love mama so.

Strong in normality, weak in change.

Tradition I will not continue

Cycle I will break.

 

Home is no haven.

Just another roof to stand under.

Arguments are infectious,

But man somehow always wins.

 

Fate falls in my hands,

There are no gods or oracles to choose my path,

Victory I strive for,

So in my reflection he stands.

 

Woman of the house,

Woman that looks down upon others,

Woman of hard eyes,

No emotion shown,

Hardworking,

Lonely,

Angry.

 

So many adjectives to describe women,

A woman,

Singular . . . Me.  

Ok well thats it for tonight I still got to study for math and take a shower. NIGHT!

Peace Out,

Lili AKA Smurfburrto

****SIGH****

Jencarlos Canela has become my new obsession. . . .  . oh my . . . =D On top of his gorgeousness he is a great musician that can play the guitar and drums. Anyways, he has officially become  the youngest celebrity i crush on, he's 21. Not to shabby. I mean compared to Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Christian Meyer and Enrique Iglesias. HAHA. I just cant help myself with mature HOT men.  . . . . call it a hobby. 

Ok so moving on with actual reality. Lets just say my life has gone on its usual path of sameness. I mean you can call me depressed but my life is not exactly spring colors at the moment. So things that you may not know about me: 

1) I'm not rich. On the contrary, my family clearly does not even own the roof we live under.  Its a fact and unfortunately the probability of me going out of state for college is not even in the range of possibilities, or dreams for that matter. 

2) My full brother is a delinquent. He has been in and out of jail for all of his life and has never been in my life. He's practically  a stranger that happens to be related to me. He got out one week before christmas 2008 and had parol. The retard just got re-arrested because he broke parol and was doing other unmentionables. They want to pin him 15 years. Oh joy.

3) I'm an OK student but other than that, I don't know what I am. I cant play an instrument, I don't play a sport, etc. I'm lost. 

 

I can probably think of more later and by all means i'll post them up but in 2 weeks i'll be a junior in high school that means i only have 2 years to become a STAR student or get something else under my belt to even see a better future. And that is pressure. I don't know what i'm going to do. Its funny how when your young you think everything is possible because everyone tells you so but in reality thats not true. A lot depends on what you can afford and how much you push your limits. 

Moving away from that chat, I haven't been here on so long and I seriously cant think of anything absolutely major. So i'll end now. Maybe later i'll blog again.

-Lili AKA Smurfburrito

PS I'll post my poems up. . . they're for english but maybe i'll make them more of a hobby. 

 

Time Just Goes On and On and On

So today was different. Haha, different . . . wow. Today I attended school like usual, went to each class, slept in math, and finally wrote a 25 minute essay on how the media influences our priorities. So I scrambled to pick something for my friends birthday present, she turned 16 this month, but I couldn't find anything.  I spent 2 hours, not exaggerating, looking through crap and finally settled with a Target gift card. I hate gift cards because they are lifeless, they have no sentiment. Either way thats what I gave her and it made me angry at myself. I'm sort of alone. If I couldn't find something for her, its because I don't know her as well anymore. When and how did that happen? I'm so lost when it comes to my friend's lives. Anyways, so after I ate some dinner and headed for my other friend's house. I was super excited for our reunion. . . THE TRES AMIGAS back together. We had two extra people, a girl and a boy and I didn't mind them at all. Except they had filmed all day for a project and were already "connected" and I ended up being a 5th wheel in their little get together. They appeared to be such good friends and I felt patronized by them when my comments made no sense or were ignored. I don't know maybe I'm just sensitive. Its just hard seeing time pass and go on withought me. I have friends in my school but its not the same. I hate Rancho but in many ways my friendships there were so much stronger than today. Now I'm constantly depressed and plainly alone. Well sorry for the negative post. . . again but my life hasn't exactly been happy these past few weeks or months. 

Wish I were numb,

Lili AKA Smurf Burrito

After

So last entry was quite. . . depressing. Hehe. OK really depressing. But I swear people I don't think I need psychiatric help. . . again thats my personal diagnosis. =D Anyways, life in general has not really changed from that entry. I mean I still feel super lonely and stressed. And I swear school is sucking the little positiveness I have left in me, and trust me that little bit left is quite precious. Oi. My love life is lonely like always. My home life is lonely and full of . . . anger. My school life is stressful and oppressive. My social life is . . . it just is. Perty much the same as every other day of my boring life. 

So lets take the attention of the negatives and concentrate on the positive. Oh wait there isn't any. Oh well I tried. Oh something exciting!!!! ----I'M AN EXISTENTIALIST!!!!! =D To all who know what I mean, isn't that great??? And to all who don't. . . listen in class peeps just listen. So I think I'm done. I mean I can go into all the things that are due on Monday, and all the crap I have to do Saturday, and how i've been really sick for the past few weeks but I don't really feel like it. So i wont. 

Peace out,

Lili AKA Smurf Burrito

PS. I watched THE DUCHESS and it was super duper so I recommend it. 

PSS. I really want to watch SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE and WATCHMEN. 

Unsatisfied

I was meant to live in a different time. Anytime but this one. I am so completely tired of everything. There are absolutely no words to describe the disappointment I have with myself, school, my family, my friends, and overall my life. "Hatred" is such a harsh word but "unsatisfied" is so minor and "in-between" doesn't cover it. I'm empty. Thats what I am. There is nothing left in me that wants to keep on going. Nothing at all. I'm not saying that I'm planning to attempt suicide or anything because I'm not. Its not my life to take. Inside I have a torment, no matter how overused that phrase is. My soul trembles with anger, fear, sadness, but lately never happiness. It cries and its gentle sobs are so regular they have become a lullaby to me. You cant die of sadness but you can sure suffer from it. It weighs down on your shoulders so heavily your knees start to buckle and soon your on the floor. No one lends you a helping hand because no one seems to see. I see everyone around me enjoy this hell hole we call earth. But I cant seem to adapt to the normal crap and the blandness of each day. Its like eating water crackers. There is no taste. My face gives fake laughs, fake smiles, fake emotions. A facade to keep badgering questions at bay. But what can I do now. It's too late to change anything and this plain life of mine is the only one i'll get. Sadly I have to deal with it and get over it. 

Nothing left to say,

Lili AKA Smurf Burrito

Mac, Stress, Apple, Twilight, & Code Geass

So. . . 

It's January!!! WOOOOOOO!!!

Goodbye 2008 and welcome 2009!

and I GOT A MAC!!!!!!! 

Anyways-

I've been thinking a lot about life lately and its wonders. That sounded so  philosophical and weird but I have. =D I mean I'm half way done with my sophomore year of high school and soon I'll be headed for college. I sound like man going through his midlife crisis. . . I guess I'm a teenage girl going through mid-HS crisis. My family (aka Doris) has been putting too much pressure on me and what I'm going to do with MY future. Emphasis on the MY future!!!! I am currently stuck between 2 career choices- OB/GYN or FORENSIC SCIENTIST. Both incredibly incredible in my opinion but complete opposites, basically bringing life into our disgusting dying earth or investigating murder scenes were our disgusting dying earth has taken away a life. Such a big decision. My sister Martha goes for the dead people but her reasoning is wacko. I mean I don't have a lot of patience with my family but with other people I do. Especially if I'm delivering a child or watching over someone's pregnancy. Its a big responsibility and although I'm not ready now I will be in the future. But she thinks I can't. My mom says dissecting dead people is horrible (some religious crap) and that I should help babies come to this world safely. My dad has no say and my other sisters say whatever makes me happy. THAT HELPS. . . THANX FOR BEING SUCH A GREAT FAMILY!!! JEEZ!!!! So I've just been contemplating both careers and wondering how amazing it would be to bring a life into this world OR how awesome it would be to hunt down a murderer/rapist that killed 10 people by dissecting the victims. Gruesome but absolutely awesome. 

Anyways finals are this week. . . I have been breaking out like crazy. I have a huge zit on my cheek, a bunch in the center of my forehead and eyebrows, and a bunch on my chin. =( I'm not enjoying life at this moment. School has become so blah. I mean it has always been a crappy thing to do especially when you don't have your bestest buddies but lately its been so monotone. 

Thank God for Martin Luther King Day because tomorrow I have homework like crazy and I have to study like crazy. 2 things I hate to do. Wednesday = Algebra 2 Finals, Thursday=Chemistry Finals, Friday=History Test & English Finals. Lets see, right now I have a B- in Algebra. . . (I know *GASP*) I'm so ashamed it' s like having an F stamped on my forehead. In my defense it's really boring and I have gotten A's on all my test. BLAME THE HW. HAHA. So I HAVE to get an A on that final. Chemistry Finals are gonna be a breeze. . . if I re-memorize the polyatomic ions and the acids-hehe. History is always a problem and an obstacle =(. English finals are gonna be OK. She let us see the final last class, hahaha. It was great. So overall I should do Average at worst. But even so I'm scared. 

PERSONAL LIFE:

Eh. Noting new. 

I mean I'm officially over Apple. Why, you ask. Well, when I like someone, I mean really really like them my stomach gets butterflies every time I see that person or my legs feel like jello. When I see my beloved (haha) my mind becomes unfocused and daydreams for the 2 hours of class. When he speaks to me, I respond and my words stumble. When he smiles I take a mental picture and when he laughs I take a mental recording just to replay it back in my head. (Listen to "In My Head" by Anna Nalick) You can say I fall. . . I fall pretty darn hard. I don't call myself obsessed because all these "symptoms" (for lack of a better word) are just temporary like I'm under a spell for the duration of class. Quite sad you know. But with Apple all those feelings slowly got dimmer and dimmer until I no longer cared if he laughed or if he smiled. I no longer stumbled with my words  in my response, I just answered a blasé word to shut him up and go on with my own side conversation. His dazzle affect on me wore off. Another factor would be the fact that I feel he's out of my league but that wasn't the only thing. I have nothing against Mormons or any religion but I think my boyfriend/life partner/husband/whatever should agree with me and I with him about our beliefs. Unfortunately my buddy Apple is from the Church of the Latter-day Saints. =( So oh well and goodbye. 

MISC:

Now that i've basically blabbered on and on about my small, insignificant life I would like to present too awesome discoveries. As my readers should know (em & shea) I love the book TWILIGHT and its sequels, the movie however is OK. (OMGG TAYLOR LAUTNER'S ABS!!!) The movie New Moon is going to start filming soon in Vancouver, CANADA. =( Sad I know, what happened to Forks??? Anyways I came across the two perfect songs for Bella and Edward when they are apart. Remember, I Liliana Alaniz am the first person to name these songs perfect. Not that anyone else will probably know but whatever. 

Bella- Addicted by Kelly Clarkson

Edward- One Of Those Days by Joshua Radin

PERFECT!!!!! I would email Stephenie Meyer if she hadn't taken off her fan email. But seriously who could blame her??? Twilight fans are CRAZY!!! =D

So the second awesome thing I have found is another anime. Well not really me per say, but my friend Ally. It's called Code Geass and its awesome. I've only watched episodes 1-8, but I know the outcome and it's quite depressing. The whole anime is quite bloody, filled with despair yada yada yada but in the end there is this huge lesson to learn about self sacrifice. =D And of course if anime characters could be humans. . .  Lelouch (main character) would be my Apple. =D So gorgeous. (*sigh*/swoon). 

Well thats it!

Peace out!

A bientot!

See ya when I see ya,

Lili AKA Smurf Burrito