Fraud

I swear I'm depressed. Although in public it seems like I'm fine, I don't think I am. I'm hurt, angry and, worst of all, lonely. Usually the last one is nothing but lately its been more present. God, I sound so freaking needy. My classes for my junior year are as follows: French II, AP English, AP History, Physics, MAT (Pre-calculus), and Journalism. Too ambitious? I think so. I'm so tired of only getting an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night especially on tuesdays. Balancing all these things is hard and I'm a lazy person. I'm sure there are people out there with a much more hectic life but I enjoy NOT having a life. I enjoy sleeping and staring at a screen, clearly wasting my life away. I LIKE IT! On top of that, I joined color guard which means my brain has more stuff to memorize, SAT is this year, ACT is this year, college is in 2 years, questions like "what the hell am I going to be?" pop in my head constantly, and my family life is so not peachy. GOD HELP ME! Speaking of God, i've been neglecting my faith and religion. I feel like I'm drowning in freezing water. 

AP History-- yeah, I suck in that class. Nothing ever sticks. We just learned about the revolution, ask me a question about it and i'll be clueless. In AP English I feel like fraud because everyone is so incredibly smart and I can't compare myself to their standards. I feel completely stupid. And journalism is the worst of all-- THERE IS NO STRUCTURE and my editor sucks. How the hell am I supposed to do this. If I cant trust my own writing skills how am I supposed to use them to inform my student body. 

Last Sunday a teenager died down my street. He died on my jogging route because he was in a car with a drunk driver. Now every time I step there I'm going to have images of a crash and a helpless boy dying. Death never affects me this bad but I swear sometimes I just want it to take me. That guy, I'm sure, had a stronger will to live, and not to mention the means to do it. I cant sometimes and at those moments I stare at something for hours and forget everything. Thats my comfort to stare at crap that angers me and stuff my face with unhealthy chocolate. Which is already kicking me in the ass. Is that selfish? To crave something that brought tragedy to someone else's family. Maybe. Now, to not worry anyone I have to say that I'm not suicidal. Just the idea of eternal sleep sounds really appealing but the idea of God hating me and sending me to hell sort of snaps me out of it. Haha, figures. 

I'd like to add more. But I don't really care. Nothing matters but yet it does. Its weird, I don't want it to matter. I don't want it to hurt or stress me out but it does. My dad is stressing me out, my mom is not happy, my friends are non-existent,and all I'm left with is a broken family that can't handle my depressed state on top of everything else and a couple of people that I can't confide in. How am I suppose to tolerate all these feelings inside of me? Is there an answer. 

Life sucks then you die.

Boy do I know that.

Wishing to be comatose, 

--Lili AKA Smurfburrito