Religoun and Other Flustered Thoughts

Well although my last blog was moments ago i just got a phonecall. Yeah it was my niece asking me to go to church for the wendsday youth group. I usually go withought thought "ofcourse" being my normal robotic answer but today i bit my tongue so to speak. I noticed in my own spiritual self that i have been avoiding church recently. HOPE church is a very welcoming place but at times i feel that the youth group is way seperated its like being in highschool cliques instead of a place to relax and praise the Lord. I mean my sister, Martha, is 31 and she totally bends her character she's different around church people but as soon as we leave the pleasantly full church parking lot it changes. and i think that is an awfull role model to her daughter my 13 year old niece. i mean she is totally different, we used to be close but now were so distant. Sure i'm her aunt but we're just one year apart and treat each other like sisters. I just dont understand why? Why would you want to change your own character just to fit in to someones agenda and way of being? i dont get it. it sucks to be in such an awful position. i try to figure my own standing at church and in my own family and highschool and always find myself and outsider. i dont really mind to be an outsider, a distant character in the backdrop, because i have friends with me that have the same interest. . . well, except at church, i consider them acquantinces. i have always been a person that is picky when picking friends and right now only have one really good friend at my highschool. And you might think of me to be outspoken but i am far from that and yet with my strong opinions i cant help but be jelous of the giant goup of friends i see. or when i see the group at church making plans for after or the weekend it hurts to be so excluded in a way were they just talk about themselves in front of you or worse turn around and snicker. i am very confused teenager with thoughts of love, romance, religoun, God, school, family, and friends the last thing i really need is drama in my life. so i guess my avoidance is just a way to deal and just plainly get over it? i dont know. but as i said and warned before this is a place to let go. UGH! If shea and emelie are reading this. .. . . WHOOoOoo! You guys are really missing out right.

So as to the romance part of my brain and thoughts. i dont have a boyfriend and yes currently am crushing on someone. but i will not mention his name. As i read my books that all have the element of love i find my self skipping to the romantic parts and trully hate myself for it. my heart aches for i have an emptyness that i know i should not have. i'm not saying its necessarily a guys spot because its not but an empty spot thats there and i must fill and that those romantic readings temporarly fill. when i read the way a guy corted a girl in the victorian era i'm totally amazed at the respect there was so long ago. were did it all go. hmmmm . . . well i will leave off with that because if i go on i'm afraid this might me to long for anyone to read. :) ha. anyways i wish whowever reads this to someway connect with my feelings. and relate.
i cant be the only one right . . . ????
signing off,
lili aka smurf burrito